


The Food That Nightmares Are Made Of

by writingfanficlikeabus



Series: The Legend of Zelda: Across the Ages [9]
Category: The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time
Genre: Gen, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 13:38:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4566645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingfanficlikeabus/pseuds/writingfanficlikeabus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Link eats something he shouldn't have and chaos ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Food That Nightmares Are Made Of

**Author's Note:**

> I am so, SO sorry for this.
> 
> The Legend of Zelda series belongs to Nintendo.

_ Link had to admit that it was the most devilishly handsome rock he had ever seen. _

 

He blinked. What? Why was he contemplating the varying levels of attractiveness that different rocks possessed? Link shook his head to clear the thoughts that had latched onto his mind like a ReDead. As he climbed onto Epona's back, he absent-mindedly slipped the object of his affection, a large rounded stone, into his saddlebag.

It was only when he arrived at Lon Lon Ranch, as per his agreement with Malon to watch the sun go down with her every Wednesday, that he realised that he had inadvertently taken it with him. Link was rummaging through the saddlebag when his hand brushed against it. Confused, he brought it out of the bag and was immediately enraptured by its simple beauty. He stood, mesmerised by the stone, for quite a while, until he was brought out of his reverie by Malon calling to him from her perch on the fence surrounding the horse paddock. Link glanced up at her, trying to stop his gaze drifting back to the stone. Oh, right. He had better hurry, or else risk missing the sunset.

As he drew nearer, he noted how much like the Malon he had known after drawing the Master Sword she looked nowadays. But she would never have to experience the same misery, and for that he was grateful. She smiled as he approached, and patted the space nearest to her on the fence to indicate he could sit there. Link shook his head to yet again clear the ReDead like thoughts, before hoisting himself up onto the fence beside her. Stone still grasped in his hand, he was too lost in contemplative thought to really notice the majesty of a sky on fire as the sun sank below the horizon.  _ It's not as pretty as this rock _ . The thoughts were back again. Every time he tried to escape them, they took on another ReDead-like trait and halted him in his tracks, never letting him leave.

After a while, he asked Malon a question. "Do you think it's weird to want to smother a stone in kisses?"

The smile of contentment that had been on Malon's face was now replaced with a look halfway between confusion and horror. " _ What? _ "

"I said-"

"Link, have you been eating Dampé's strange concoctions again? You know he's a gravekeeper, not a cook."

Now Link was defensive. "Hey, I checked this time. It was just cucco meat."

Malon resisted the urge to groan. "For someone who's supposedly a great hero, you're surprisingly stupid sometimes. Cuccos can't be killed by conventional means."

"So?"

"So, what would you use to kill something that tries to destroy you every time you attack its impenetrable skin?"

"Poison, I gu-oh."

"Exactly. Poison that has an effect on Hylians as well, apparently. Come on, we can go to the castle library to see if they have any information. If we hurry, we can reach Castle Town before the drawbridge closes." In one swift movement, Malon stood up, dragging Link along to mount Epona, pulling him into the saddle behind her. Malon spurred Epona on and out of the ranch, and soon they were galloping towards Castle Town.

They got to the drawbridge just as it was closing, and managed to slip inside, leaving Epona to wait for the night. By now, Link was cradling the rock and making cooing noises, so Malon made sure to quicken their pace.

Outside of the castle gates, they were halted by a guard, who demanded to know what their purpose was so late into the evening. When Malon told him that Link had eaten something he shouldn't  _ again _ ,  they were immediately let in, ushered towards the castle and Princess Zelda's chambers, which housed the library; this kind of situation had happened so often lately that a routine had been established.

Zelda had been informed of their presence by the time they arrived. If she hadn't been, she would still have been hunched over her desk, with no time to try and hide the bags under her eyes. She raised one eyebrow at the sight of Link crooning over the stone, but said nothing until Malon had finished explaining their predicament. Finally, she sighed and shook her head. "I'm afraid that all books about cuccos were destroyed long ago, once they became a protected species for the safety of everyone around them. Unless there is somehow, miraculously, an expert still around, you might have to live with being jealous of a stone. At least until we find someone who knows something."

"Wha-I am  _ not _ jealous. Who said I was jealous? Besides, it's a stone. That's a stupid thing to be jealous of. And regardless of whether I'm jealous or not, this can't wait!"

"Are you sure?"

Malon's answer was cut off by Link laughing loudly and yelling. "Oh Rocky, you  _ do _ say the  _ funniest _ things!"

Zelda stifled a yawn in an attempt to maintain the illusion of wakefulness. "Well, I suppose we'd better find an expert before he starts writing love poems to that thing..."

 

Unfortunately, Hyrule had no such expert, so they had to make do with the old potion lady from Kakariko. She inspected Link as he stood there, grinning awkwardly, until she finally came to a conclusion and called Malon and Zelda into a huddle. They looked at her expectantly. She gave them a gummy grin. "Have you tried pouring potions down his throat until something happens?"

Zelda frowned. "Somehow, I don't think that's a very good-"

Malon interrupted her there. She had happened to glance up towards Link, and had now seen an image she could do without. "Zelda!" She hissed. "Link is...um...making out with the rock."

"Let's do this thing." At this piece of news, Zelda fluidly changed from her previous sentiment. It was at this point that Link tapped Zelda on the shoulder, so they all turned to stare at him. He shuffled his feet. "Rocky and I would like to announce our plan to marry-"

"Get him!" Zelda yelled.

In minutes, Link was restrained on the floor, potions being forced down his throat. He was being weighed down by what seemed to be an entire bookshelf of books, with Malon using her upper body strength, gleaned from years of dealing with panicked horses, to stop him struggling. After an interesting mix of potions, Link started shouting. "Let me up! Let me up! I kissed a stone! Who  knows what was on that thing?"

But instead of rushing to lift the books off of his limbs, Malon and Zelda glanced at each other and started giggling. Whilst they would probably stop when they found out the exorbitant price of the potions, for now they were overcome with the ridiculousness of the situation and the energy boost that came at a certain level of tiredness. That would teach Link to eat any more of Dampé's exotic "food" recipes.

Well, hopefully.


End file.
